Here We Go, Again…

I haven’t posted in awhile and due to recent events that I will explain, I decided it was time to post again. Coming back to my page, I thought I would look back at some of my posts because I know I have talked about this same situation before, and it made me realized how many times I have allowed myself to go through this. If you read my post titled Rock Bottom and Today I am heart broken, you will understand more as you read this.

This is the 3rd time I have allowed myself to go through this and they always say, 3rd time’s a charm but this time it’s not. In the post stated above, I talk about how I was losing my best friend of many, many years. That was time number 2. Time number 1 was back in 2015 when the love of my life broke up with me. That was one of the most devastating experiences I have ever been through. He was the one I thought I was going to marry, the one whom I gave my everything too, and one day he decided to take it all away from me. We didn’t really speak for a year except for birthdays and holidays. I have always struggled with anxiety and depression but that was the start of the worst of it for me. During the year apart, I had always had hope that he would come back to me…and he did.  Great, right? Well at the time it seemed like it but as time has on, part of me wishes he never did. It took me 11 months to finally be able to get out of bed and say “I think I will be okay today,” and once he came back after those 11 months everything I had worked on and built up for myself went straight out the window. We tried dating again, we tried being friends with benefits, we tried being as close as we could to dating without actually calling it that because the label meant it was serious. We have always had really great times and really bad times, it’s unfortunately how our relationship has always been. We hurt each other and apologize and make up, and repeat. I don’t think we ever intentionally tried to do this, it just somehow turned into that.

From December 2015 when he came back into my life after the break up to January 2018 which lead to time number 2 as stated above, he was still someone I was very much in love with. Closer to January 2018, I started to feel a shift in how I felt towards him. I wanted more of a friendship (which is what he had wanted for about a year before I did) and less of a romantic connection because I wasn’t IN LOVE with him anymore. Throughout the years, I have talked to other guys and been on dates but the start of 2018 I felt like I wanted to do that more. When January came and time number 2 happened, I hit my rock bottom. He ended our friendship completely. I was devastated, not only because I lost someone that I still did have love for, but because I lost my very best friend. In March 2018 I had sunk so deep into depression that I finally told my mom that I didn’t want to live anymore. Life didn’t seem worth living if he wasn’t in it. I struggled my way though the days and months until April 2018 when I got a call from him saying he made a mistake and wanted our friendship back. Being the person that I am and how I felt about him, I wanted to do everything I could to have my friendship back with him. Somehow we were able to create more of a friendship dynamic while still having the benefits part and it worked so well for many months. There were times I actually felt like he was just my friend and I loved it. Things were going very well until an unfortunate event happened in October that will forever leave a scar on me, literally. After that, things just seemed to spiral downhill and fast. My feelings of friendship towards him started to shift back into more romantic feelings towards him and I didn’t know why because deep down inside, I know I didn’t feel that way about him anymore. Looking back on it now, I feel as though there was and still is a part of me that is afraid of letting him go completely for the fear of someone else making him happy like I did and for him to make someone else happy like he made me. I know how great he can be to someone because I experienced it first hand, but I also know how terrible, and hurtful, and angry he can be too. I put up with all of his anger issues and low blows and treating me awful because part of me is afraid to let him go completely. And I know that’s not okay. How can I be so invested in someone who treats me so unkindly?

Here we go, again…time number 3 came just a couple of days ago when yet again, he decided to end our friendship. I am beyond angry at him, but also really confused, hurt, and feel betrayed. We have had a history of over 8 years together, and even though it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows, that’s still a lot of time to have someone in your life to just throw them away like they are nothing at all. I’m angry because I feel like one day rather it’s a week or a few months from now he will want to come back into my life and I will want to accept him back. I’m hurt and sad and full of fear because I know I cannot let that happen again. To think that this is really IT, like our years of love and hate and good and bad are completely over is utterly terrifying, partly because I will always love him and do care deeply for him, but also because I don’t know how to have my life without him in it. I feel like there is this void in my heart now. He has been my person for so long that who am I going to tell my stupid things too? Who am I going to call to hangout when I’m lonely? Who is going to be there for me when I’m struggling with work or family or something else? My anxiety is so high right now and I hate it so much. I hate that I have allowed him to be such an important part of my life that I’m left wondering who I am without him. I hate that he thinks it’s okay to walk in and out of my life whenever he wants to knowing I will always be there for him. I hate that he has the power to block me from seeing his social media but yet he has the ability to unblock me to see what I’m doing just to block me again. I hate that I have given him so much power over my life. I hate that this is happening to me because for the 3rd time now, I have to grieve losing him again.

The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. Most people will experience them all but not in the same order. Right now I am angry. There are so many things I love doing, and I do it for myself, but I started to enjoy them because of him, like watching and playing football. I feel like he has now taken the joy out of those things for me because every time I think about it, I think about him.

The hardest part about this will be when something comes up, good or bad, and he’s the first person I think to tell and I can’t. This is truly heart breaking for me. I can handle not having a romantic relationship with him anymore but to lost my very best friend is unbearable. I am so grateful to have such a loving and supportive family because I know I won’t be able to get through this AGAIN without them.

So now what? I don’t know. My anxiety tells me I won’t be able to go throughout each day without this intense longing and feeling of emptiness. My head tells me that even though it’s going to be really hard for a long time, that I will make it through this because I have done this before. My heart tells me this is one of the worst possible things that could happen to me when all I ever did was give him everything. So now what?

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