It’s been two weeks, 14 days since I hit my rock bottom (see previous post). Some days it feels like it’s been months and other days it feels like it just happened yesterday. I have been trying to keep myself busy, physically and mentally, to lessen the amount I think about it, but some days there’s just nothing I can do. The past two days have been terrible for me. As much as everyone hates working, I’ve been looking forward to going to work because I have friends to talk to and patients to see to distract myself. Being a nurse I only work 3 days a week, so the other 4 days I’m on my own trying to keep busy. Last night I broke down and just cried because it still hurts so badly. Today, I have had this constant pressure in my chest as if someone is sitting on me making it hard to take a deep breath, otherwise known as anxiety. I have tried almost everything from taking a walk to coloring to using my StressAway Essential Oil to sleeping to crying to let it all out to listening to music, but nothing has helped. This overwhelming feeling in my chest is still there, and that’s the part about anxiety I hate. Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day and even though it’s a minor holiday, I’m really big on holidays and this is one we talked about doing together. That’s not happening anymore and it’s very sad to me. Fortunately I will still be spending time with some great friends and hopefully that will help distract myself from thinking about you.
Grieving is a crazy thing when you think about it. Everyone grieves in different ways and goes through all of this stages at their own pace. Everyone tells you “time heals everything” but no one tells you how long that will take. The most unfortunate part about it is, no one ever really truly knows how long that is. Some days, well, most days I’m very angry, wondering how and why you could ever do such horrible things to me who only ever wanted the best and would literally give you the world. Other days I’m really heart broken, sad, upset, confused and frustrated. Today, I’m heart broken. There are days that go by that I think to myself that I miss you, but it usually goes away. Today, I miss you and it hasn’t gone away. This is the first time since two weeks, 14 days ago that I have been this heart broken over you.
The last time we went through this, it took me ONE YEAR to feel OK enough to get out of bed and go about my days. Our circumstances are a little different this time, but the pain I feel isn’t. I don’t really focus so much on the fact that I lost someone I loved. I’m more upset about the fact that I lost my best friend. The person who know my deepest darkest secrets, who knows everything going on in my family life, who knows all the crazy stories from work. The person I could go to when I was feeling sad or lonely, or when I was angry about something and needed to vent. The person who was…”my person.” THAT is what I’m angry about. Because not only were you that person for me, but I was also that person for YOU. You told me about your dreams as far fetched as they really are, and I also supported you and encouraged you to go for them. You told me about all the things happening at your job that I didn’t always understand about but would listen because you wanted to tell me. How could you give up someone who was always there for you, cared for you when others didn’t, and loved you in a way no one else will?
Today, my heart is heavy and my eyes are full. Today, I am heart broken.