Tonight is the night that I officially hit rock bottom…
I woke up this morning already having a terrible start to my day. Throughout the entire day I felt this gloom hanging over my head. I went throughout work smiling at patients and then walking out with a frown on my face. I felt very heavy, like there was a brink on my feet with every step I took. I even had a couple of people ask me if I was okay because I wasn’t my “cheery” self. I just said I have some things going on at home but I was okay, which was a complete lie. But how do I tell someone that I have sunk so far into depression that I feel like at any minute my eyes will burst into tears and my chest feels like there’s an elephant sitting on it, making it hard to take a deep breath, all while thinking of the one thing, the one single person for the cause of all of this. But not thinking about them in an angry sense, but rather just being upset our relationship has ended with a side of hope that it can come back together again. I continued going through the day smiling and laughing, then turning around into this state of complete darkness, feeling like I’m in a black hole looking up but can’t see the light out. Over the years I have gotten really good at hiding my anxiety and depression, but lately it has just gotten too bad to try to hide it anymore.
It was almost midnight and my shift was ending. I didn’t feel the greatest all day but tried to ignore it. Walking to my car I felt as thought I was going to pass out, feeling very dizzy and lightheaded. I tried to drive home and the feeling came over me again, so I stopped and called a few people with no answers. So then I called the one person who I thought would always be there for me no matter what, the one person who I at one point considered my very best friend, the one person who unfortunately, as stated above, is the cause of my anxiety and depression. After a few tries, he answered the phone very abruptly. After explaining the situation to him and how I was scared of the feeling I was getting while driving, he proceed to tell me very rudely, while yelling that he was not going to help me and didn’t want to help me and to not call him ever again, that he was done with me and has been done with me for months. Overwhelmed with shock, disbelief, anger, anxiety, and dumbfounded by his response, I began to cry harder than I ever have before. I sat in my car trying to let this feeling pass and stop crying enough so I could see where I was driving, but the tears just kept coming down like a waterfall.
Now I knew I hit rock bottom when I called my mom… Like I said above, I’m pretty good at hiding my anxiety and depression, especially with how bad it can really get. My mom is my best friend and knows 99% about my life, but she is still my mom and for the sake of her not worrying about me, I try to downplay my anxiety and depression or only talk about the surface of what I’m feeling. Tonight, I called my mom and said I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be here. I can’t live like this anymore, and I don’t want too. That’s when I knew I hit rock bottom. My mom, being the great mother that she is, woke up out of her sleep at 1:00am to comfort me and hold me through the phone as I bawled my eyes out about just completely giving up. She talked to me the whole ride home, giving me nothing but positive and encouraging words. If my mom didn’t answer the phone, I don’t know what would have happened.
I have been pretty deep into depression after a long relationship break up a few years ago, but this is different. This is so dark and so deep and so intense that I don’t know how to come back from this. The thought of taking some pills to help numb the pain has crossed my mind so many times and I’ve come so close to actually going through with it. I could be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. I come home every night thinking I have no one and wondering if I will wake up again the next day to do it all over again. As I sit here writing this, I still don’t know what I’m going to do. The only thing I can do is to take my mom’s advice: to have a really good cry to let it all out, then go to sleep and wake up tomorrow saying today is a new day and today is about me. I don’t know how I will be when I wake up in the morning, but for the sake of my mom, I will go to sleep and wake up again.