The Complications of Life:
Wow! I cannot believe it’s been a little over a month since I last wrote something. I have been crazy busy at work, working long hours, as well as spending time with family during the holidays. I’m still not entirely sure what this post will entail, but I felt inclined to write so here I am!
Lately I have been thinking a lot about me and what I want and what’s next for me. After I turned 25 in July, I didn’t feel like anything changed much for me mentally, but the last couple of months I realized it has. I know people say “25 is still young,” but for me it feels like a time where I really need to start figuring out my life.
For starters, the most commonly thought about dilemma for all women… DATING. I’m starting to realize that a relationship is important for a lot of the future plans that I want to accomplish, such as children. I’ve always had this idea that I would have a boyfriend for a couple years, get engaged and married, then enjoy a couple years of marriage together before having children. But I also would like to have my first child around age 30, which means I should have a boyfriend right now…. which I don’t. Dating also means putting forth the effort to talk to people and go on dates, and part of me just doesn’t care to put the effort into that right now. So as you can see, this is a dilemma for me. I want a relationship without putting the work into getting one. Ha!
Second, my next contemplation is where do I want to end up in life. This could be something as small as do I want to renew my lease or look for a different apartment? Do I want to start investing into a small condo or house? Do I want to wait until I have a relationship in order to build a house from the ground up with my future husband? Do I want to go through the hassle of moving or just wait until later in life? This seems so small but yet so many questions to think about.
This leads me into my third and final contemplation, my career. Now before I start this, let it be known that I absolutely love my job as an Emergency Room Nurse. I am happy to go to work everyday and throughly enjoy what I do. I have many, many years in the ER to get to my goal of becoming an ER Trauma Nurse. My dilemma comes when I have reached all of my goals in the ER. Being a floor nurse is extremely hard on your body, not to mention exhausting. I don’t see myself being a floor nurse my entire life. So that leads me to the question, then what? I have always thought about teaching after my body wears out, but that involves going back to school. Do I want to be 30 something or 40 something going back to school? I know you’re probably thinking it’s crazy for me to think about something that is so far into the future, and you’re probably right, but it’s still something I have been thinking about lately.
While these are all things that everyone thinks about at some point in life, having anxiety makes thinking about these things that much more difficult. It makes me feel as though if I don’t make the right decision or find someone or figure out what I want to do in life, then I am a failure. Now thinking about that from a rational perspective, I know that’s not true, but my anxiety tells me it is. I have struggled with anxiety since high school and I am proud to realize how far I have come with my struggle, but at the end of the day, anxiety will be a part of me which makes contemplating things harder than it should be sometimes.
With all of that being said, I am so thankful to have such a loving, gracious, patient, providing God. At the end of the day, I can lay in bed at night no matter how big or how small of a problem I may be having and know that God has everything already planned out for me. *sigh of relief* We live in a society of instant gratification and not knowing the answer to all these questions is frustrating and worrisome, but I just have to continue to tell myself that God has it all figured out already. That’s His job, not mine. I just have to take life one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other.
If you have made it to this point and are a believer in the power of prayer, then I would like to ask you if you could say a prayer for me in my times of contemplation. Thank you!