Since I’m new to this blogging idea, I’m not sure if posting twice is what you’re “supposed” to do, but I figured I could make up my own rules.
This afternoon I was in a bad place in this process. I was filled with lots of pain and doubt and frustration. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still those things but one thing has shifted; my perspective. I was at dinner tonight with my family celebrating my Aunt’s birthday eating soup while everyone else was enjoying their habachi. I was just sitting there listening to the conversation while smiling and nodding since talking hurts. I had to talk softly to my dad who then relayed the message to the waiter and it was just a really frustrating process. But everyone was still so excited to see me and be in my presence even though I didn’t feel like much of a presence. I was hugged and kissed and filled with so much love that it gave me that little push I needed to remind myself that I can make it through this. It might not feel like it at this moment, but everything will be okay.
There are things and events coming up that I have been looking forward to for awhile now, and I’m not going to let this stop me from enjoying them. I might not be able to jump up and down and scream like I normally could, but causal clapping with lots of smiles will just have to do right now. I have always been a planner and the Lord is challenging me right now by changing the course and the “idea” I had about all of these plans. I just need to say okay God, and follow the path that He is wanting me to take. I still cannot talk very much or well. I am still in a crazy amount of pain. I am utterly exhausted. I can only eat a small amount of things. I’m still frustrated with this entire situation. BUT, tomorrow I will wake up blessed to have another day. I will be happy that it’s Sunday because that means family, friends, and football! (Go Eagles!)
As for now, it will take me 30 minutes to swallow all of my pills one at a time making sure they all get down. Then I will curl up in my soft blanket and snuggle next to my fur babies and pray for a better day tomorrow.